I am not pregnant. Well, not in the physical sense. However, I do feel as thought I am in the first trimester of pregnancy with this little boy from the Congo. Right now, I don’t really know whether or not he’s been conceived. However, I’m exhausted, a little moody, and not eating well. I may not have a baby developing in my womb, but I have no doubt that God is at work in bringing this little boy to his forever family. I can feel it in my bones!
This weekend was the third of four arts and crafts festivals that I am participating in. I signed up for them because I thought it would be a quick way to make a lot of money, considering we owe about $5000 in our first agency fees. I got a quick lesson in the difficult process of making a profit. There are a lot more costs and a lot fewer checks in the plus column than I thought there would be.
But, as He always does, God taught me several lessons through the process. Here’s just one.
It’s not about me. Let me just be real for a minute. I like to be admired. Deep down in the ugly ego central part of me, I want people to think that I’ve got it together. I’m a great mommy and wife, my house is always spotless, I cook amazing meals, I work out, AND I run my own business. That’s what we/I want people to think, right?
Through this process, God is teaching me a lesson He seems to have to repeat on a regular basis. “It’s not about you, Julie. It’s about MY glory”. You see, if it were all about me, you’d see that I don’t speak to my husband with kindness and respect all of the time. I yell at my kids. The cure for cancer is probably growing in my bathroom sink. We’ve gone out to eat, more nights than I have cooked meals this month. I’ve gained 4 pounds in the last 3 weeks and only worked out 3 times. And my business is barely making a profit.
But you know what? I’m learning that it’s not about whether we are in the black or the red, financially speaking. It’s all Crimson to me. Crimson is the color you get when the two colors are mixed. It’s that murky, not sure how we got there color.
I feel like God is taking us on the miraculous journey of adoption, and it’s often a messy process. I have no idea how we’re going to get there. I don’t know how much money we’re going to have to raise through this business, or by selling other products. I’m going to make a ton of mistakes along the way. I’m going to let people down and disappoint people. People aren’t always going to like me.
But, one of the things I love about being a Christian is that you don’t have to “get it right”. We suck. We all do. We all mess up, screw up, blow up, don’t measure up and make others want to throw up. We are messy people. I’m one of the messiest. My sin is ugly and I don’t want people to see it. But THANK GOD, I have a savior in Jesus Christ who cleans the ugly Crimson stain off of me and makes me white as snow. And by the grace of this amazing God, he makes all things new. He even gives little orphan boys in the Congo a mommy and a daddy. He does that, not me.
I’ll leave you with this song to remind you of HIS goodness.
Jesus Paid It All (O Praise the One)
I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow…